Handed down from on high, there is a formerly unwritten (but now, totally written) code of commandments by which all guys are judged. There are actually 14 of them, but we’ve cut out the unimportant bits because it’s easier for you, and 10 is nice round number. Hear are the 10 ComMANdments!
10. Know your sports teams and keep Sunday holy for them.
Sunday is a day of rest, relaxation, and reverence for bone-crunching, action-packed, modern-day gladiatorial combat. Church is optional. It is advisable to take in the sacrament – to eat of the body of Little Caesar and to drink the blood of Mr. Pibb.
9. Thou shall know what thou art doing.
Instruction manuals and road maps are for non-believers. Stopping at gas stations or “consulting a professional” is an affront to the Commandments, to yourself, and to your bros. Don't do it.
8. Thou shall not make wrongful use of crying.
Crying is acceptable during emotional sporting victories, particularly forceful pepper sprayings, or the untimely passing of loyal canines. Unacceptable instances include weddings, funerals, child births, non-critical injuries, or any cinematic experience whatsoever.
7. Thou shall know thy apartment and keep it holy.
Guys have a different set of standards we have about cleanliness. Embrace them. Unless you wore a t-shirt on a particularly hot day or during particularly hard labor, hanging it in the window is just as good as washing it. Dishes (if you have something other than paper plates) are to be done when you have not a single clean dish left. This means you might eat Easy Mac out of a big coffee mug. Deal with it.
6. Thou shall know thy man-skills.
True men have the wisdom to change a tire, tie a tie, grill a steak. The best accomplish at least 2 of these simultaneously.
5. Thou shall not commit adultery with your bro’s lady.
Also un-kosher are his ex, his sister (unless you marry her), or anybody where specific romantic intent is declared. But, it’s probably okay if it’s not your bro that is the cuckold in question. This is an especial truth if the lady is “mega foxy” or the cuckold is a “mega tool.”
4. Thou shall not covet thy bro’s sh*t.
Your bro’s lady, his total gym, his #6 combo, and his limited edition, signed replica of the Blade Runner pistol are his, not yours. Stop dreaming. Dreams are for girls, children and the terminally ill. The only acceptable time to covet your bro’s things is when he has cold beers in the fridge. It’s well understood that he’ll be coveting yours when at your home.
3. Thou shall know when to bear false witness.
A woman thought her husband was cheating on her, and one night he didn’t come home after he’d gone out with his friends. The next morning she confronted him, and while he stood next to her he called each of his friends to ask after him. Of the 5 friends called, 4 of them insisted that he had spent the night on their couch. The last one insisted that he was still there, sleeping.
2. Have no false hos before bros.
When in dire straights with Job-like circumstances, it is your bros who will be there for you. Hos, on the other hand, will be shopping. The fairer sex loves shopping. A notable exception to this rule is if, in the course of a “guys’ night,” a guy is afforded an opportunity to bed a ho that is at least an 8 out of 10.
1. Honor thy bro.
And take not his name in vain, for he is your bro, and he is good. When the chips are down and you’re hungover, having slept 3 hours late, there’s only one guy that you can call to pretend to be the guy that ran into your car with a Ditch Witch even though the last time he talked to your boss he was a claims adjuster. This is your true bro.
