The annals of history have much to teach us about virtue and vice, folly and fortune. They have a lot to say, in particular, when it comes to wars - how and why they were fought and lost. When the blunderbuss blows, and the smoke clears, here’s some stories you’ll be happy to be on this side of the millennium of.
6. Ethiopians with Spears Defeat Italians with Guns - Battle of Adwa
Italian commander Oreste Baratieri led a force of about 20,000 Italians in an incursion of Ethiopia in 1896. This was in the Alan Quartermainian times of colonial Africa when this sort of thing was very en vogue. His men were armed mostly with guns. The Ethiopians had mostly lances. Guess who won.
The conniving I-talians were outnumbered about 5:1. Commander Baratieri wanted to wait to attack because he knew that the Ethiopians were living off the land, and soon their rations would dry up. Incidentally, he was right. The Ethiopian forces had planned on disbanding in the next few days. His officers, though, were full of piss, vinegar, and possibly Italian chianti. They reasoned that they would be victorious if they attacked early that morning and surprised the Ethiopians still in their pajamas. Also, Italians are saucy. Lobbying for nationali pride, Italian brigadier Vittorio Dabormida said,
"Italy would prefer the loss of two or three thousand men to a dishonorable retreat."
As Peter Pan might say, "Bad form." Well, Italy lost somewhere aroudn 7,000 men. They got their comeuppance, though, in a very appropriate way. The Ethiopian forces (because it was Sunday) had risen early for church. Specifically, their leader was asking for advice on killing Italians. Ethiopian spies saw the advancing Italian forces, word of the attack spread, and the Ethiopian army quickly assembled to literally run through the charging Italians for a crushing victory.
THE BLUNDER: Impatience to slaughter.
THE LESSON: Go to church.
5. Rome Underestimates Drunk Elephant Warriors - The Battle of Cannae
Cannae was a city state in what is now Italy. In 212 B.C. it was in the disputed area between the Roman Republic and the (in)famous Hannibal's native Carthage. Rome was ballsy and smart, and decided they'd take their brains and testicles and kick Hannibal off the Mediterranean coast once and for all. He was quite a troublemaker for them, and they already hated him for killing so many Romans at Trebia.
The Romans marched on Cannae with about 86,500 men including cavalry, heavy infantry, and light infantry. Hannibal's own forces were less than half of that. This, in fact, was the largest Roman army ever sent anywhere. The Roman commander Lucius Aemilius Paullus said only this to his troops:
"Wherefore, men of the army, seeing that we have every advantage on our side for securing a victory, there is only one thing necessary---your determination, your zeal! And I do not think I need say more to you on that point."
Viewing it more as an errand than a battle, the Romans stacked their troops up in a block formation thinking they had Hannibal cornered against a river. But, Hannibal was wily. He staggered an allied force of Iberians, Gauls and Celtiberians as well as some Punic Africans across his own front lines with the strongest (African) spear-wielding troops on the flanks.
He was able to break Roman flanks and ruthlessly, "Hannibal encircled the Roman troops and used his cavalry to crush the Roman infantry. He hamstrung those who fled so he could later return to finish the job."
In part to do this, he used drunk elephants. Most Romans would never have seen a sober elephant, but Hannibal fed his wine to get them drunk and angry for battle.
THE BLUNDER: Rome was too strong and not agile enough.
THE LESSON: Don't fight something big and drunk.
4. Custer Too Bold for Britches - Battle of the Little Big Horn
George Armstrong Custer had a God complex and a surly moustache. People had to know right off the bat this guy was going to a bad end. This battle is alternately known as Custer's Last Stand which is more romantic than what actually happened which could be accurately referred to as Custer's Royal Clownf***.
In 1876, the United States Government was committing systemized genocide against the American Indians. This was not okay with the American Indians. Though sometimes internally war-torn, they formed an alliance against American troops and camped in the valley of the Little Big Horn.
Custer planned to attack them and was advised to wait for support. There was, in fact, an additional battalion en route armed with the vicious Gatling gun. He declined. Probably cause of the God complex and moustache.
Custer attacked, bullheaded, a camp of warriors ironically commanded by the famous Lakota Sioux chief, Sitting Bull. Without scouting, he was surprised to find there were three times the number of warriors there than he had in his troops.
His three-pronged attack hit the camp at different intervals allowing the warriors to easily fend them off in their home court. This was because he hadn't scouted the territory, and each prong encountered such varied terrain that it scattered their arrival times on-field. The warriors simply ran from one side of the encampment to the other (with women and children easily escaping) fending off American soldiers as they arrived, and doing so ruthlessly.
With his opposition closing in, Custer had a stroke of idiocy. He told his troops to shoot their own horses and use their carcasses as equine fortification. Ironically, a horse named Comanche was the only survivor. The Indians then shot him and scalped everybody.
THE BLUNDER: Not waiting for technology and intelligence.
THE LESSON: Hubris isn't heroic.
3. The Fall Leeroy Jenkins at Blackrock Spire
Leeroy Jenkin's battle was a bloodless one, but didn't make it any less tragicomic. Actually, its bloodlessness is the shining source of its tragicomedy and the digital foundation cementing it into the fabric of memes of which the interwebz are made.
Leeroy Jenkins is a level 70 human Paladin for the Alliance in the World of Warcraft, and will be forever remembered for his noble, well-intentioned, but poorly-timed charge into the writhing caverns of Blackrock Spire.
His guild, the deceptively fierce Pals for Life, was meticulously planning their battle strategy. Leeroy, as hungry for a Hot Pocket as he was for orkind blood, was afk getting a snack.
On his return, he donned his headset, unsheathed his Vengeful Gladiator's Great Sword, and charged headlong into what was calculated to be 66.66% certain doom.
Leeroy is still an active character. His current honorable kill count is 36,949.
THE BLUNDER: Playing World of War of Warcraft with people that calculate victory probability.
THE LESSON: Hot Pockets are not good for anybody. Ever.
2. Hitler Never Played RISK - Operation Barbarossa
Hitler’s invasion of the Soviet Union could’ve gone worse, but it could’ve gone a lot better. Again with the God complex. I understand that it probably helps to some degree with your imperialism, but the Earth was built in 7 days. What makes you think you can conquer Asia faster?
Hitler entered into a peace agreement with Stalin in 1940, the Nazi-Soviet nonaggression Pact. It’s about what it sounds like. They agreed not to hit each other, and they even agreed to keep up a little trade. Stalin must’ve thought he was more steely than every other country that Hitler signed nonaggression pacts with then invaded.
He was pretty much wrong. Hitler went ahead and mounted the largest military operation of WWII against them about a year after it was signed. Over 3 million German soldiers were mobilized on the Eastern front in a traditional 3-pronged formation (atypical for crazy, crazy Hitler).
Here’s what Hitler said:
“We have only to kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will come crashing down.”
Here’s what contemporary comedian/transvestite Eddie Izzard said:
I mean, Napoleon had been steaming in there 100 years before: "I'm going to kill them, I'm going to kill them, going to… Oh, it's a bit cold, it's a bit cold. Right! Ok, ok, bad idea." And then Hitler, "I've got a better idea, got a better idea… Oh, it's the same idea! It's the same idea, it's the same idea..."
Hitler was overextending his troops fighting fronts on almost every point of the compass, and his biggest front, the Soviet front, was feeling this the most. Supplies were dwindling, and the Nazis weren’t used to fighting in snowy mud. Then, Russian (despite enormous casualties) mounted a counter-offensive against the gut of Hitler’s front.
Immobilized, and literally frozen without winter warfare supplies, Hitler’s Eastern front were dashed by hardened, vodka-fueled, snow-covered Ruskies.
THE BLUNDER: Not reading your history books.
THE LESSON: Comedian transvestites know a lot about war.
1. French Think Trees Fight - The Maginot Line
After World War I, you’d think that the French would exercise a little more caution – maybe employ some kind of strategic defense that wasn’t totally f***ed. They elected, instead, to refortify what they called the Maginot Line. It was a length of defensive forts and lookout posts – ouvrages and casemates – that were put in place specifically to keep the Germans out. They had a lot of fortification on the French-German border, but the French military intelligence unanimously agreed that Hitler would attack them through Belgium, on the Northern portion of the Maginot line.
Hitler unanimously (unilaterally, duh) decided to not do that. He decided, rather, to take his troops through the virtually-unguarded Ardennes forest. The French, who lack true grit, thought that no man could move an army through the forest. There are no bidets in there.
Hitler took the majority of his force on the Western front through those forests and marched them directly behind the French fortifications to the north. In a matter of days, the gunfire subsided, and French had fallen to Germany yet again.
German soldiers, relentless as they were, even criticized the line after they’d appropriated it for their own use. One commander’s grudging acceptance of the spoils of war reads:
"The defenses of the Maginot Line were of little value to us as they faced the wrong way, but the underground shelters were useful."
THE BLUNDER: France leaves the main gate open.
THE LESSON: Attack France through the main gate.
