America Kicks Ass Day

Kicking Ass.

That's what July 4th is really about. The British had a bunch of rules, and we said, "Hell no," and then we beat the bejeezus out of them. Wild animals roamed the wild west, and we beat the pants off of them so badly that to this day, animals don't wear pants anymore. We kick ass and take names -- literally. New York was named after the British, and Buffalo was named after the animals. Asses kicked, names taken. We now set fire to a lot of meat and set off fireworks every year to commemorate our victory.  

Nothing could be more American. If there's one food that truly symbolizes America, it would have to be big horking chunks of meat tossed over an open flame. No huge list of complicated ingredients. No vegetable medley, no dainty presentation, no artfully arranged spiral cuts. Just big chunks of meat.  

And when it comes to sauces, we don't nancy about with light French sauces like a bechamel or a roux. We have pure Kansas City BBQ sauce, and once you've tasted it and had it kick your ass, you sure as hell know that it could kick the ass of a French crème sauce from here to Montreal. Just pour it right onto the burger. That's right, pour. We don't gently sautee or ‘add to taste’, we don't dust anything lightly, we don't have a complex medley of wimpy flavors. Just sauce onto meat.   

And fire. Don't forget the fire. Because setting things on fire is how we started the American Revolution. Everyone remembers the Boston Tea Party, but long before that was the HMS Gaspee, a British trade ship. If you haven't heard of it, that's because it wasn't around for long. In 1772, a bunch of Rhode Islanders boarded the Gaspee, shot the Lieutenant, and torched the entire ship. Nothing's quite as warm as a fire made from your enemies. Although if no enemies are available, we'll even set our own country on fire -- just ask General Sherman. As Georgia can attest, we'll even kick our own ass if need be. 

Having proved that fire works, we now set off fireworks. If you actually sing all the words to the national anthem and don't just start faking it after "twilight's last gleaming", then you may realize that having a rocket's red glare and bombs bursting in air looks an awful lot like fireworks. Now that's a victory celebration. 

Sadly, though, the Fourth of July is the last victory celebration we still celebrate across the country. It's not as if the American Revolution is the only war we ever won; just ask a vet. But the rest of our gloating holidays have been dropped. Is it because we feel it would be unkind to celebrate kicking the ass of now-friendly countries like Germany and Japan? We've been friends with England a lot longer and we still celebrate kicking their ass. It wouldn't be unreasonable to start celebrating the great American military victories, over Germany, Japan, or even ourselves. 

Still, we're too polite to revel in the fact that we kicked the ass of our friends. Well, most of us are too polite. Rhode Island, on the other hand, is not. Rhode Island Rocks. Yes, the same state that first torched a British ship is the only state that still celebrates V-J Day. Back during World War II, when America finally dropped the bomb and Emperor Hirohito surrendered, we decided to celebrate it with Victory Over Japan Day! Called V-J Day for short, it reminded us that America kicks ass.  

But as the years passed, most states decided that it was impolite to remind Japan that America specifically kicked their ass. And so one by one, the states stopped celebrating V-J day. Except for Rhode Island, where while the name has been changed to Victory day, they never forget an ass-kicking, or at least an opportunity to celebrate it. Although it is a very tiny state, you do not want to fuck with Rhode Island, because they will set you on fire and celebrate it for the rest of time.  

Still, why stop there? We won the American Revolution, and beat Japan, but surely there are other victories that deserve a day. Like the US Hockey team winning the 1980 Olympics. Facing down an undefeated Soviet Union team, America defied all odds to kick ass, in what many people called a "Miracle on Ice". Next February 22nd, why not grab a Russian friend, head to the hockey rink, and try to outdrink him. Maybe you too can achieve miracles. 

Or why not celebrate America's most recent triumph in the Miss Universe contest? In 1997, Brook Lee (http://www.imdb.com/media/rm47485440/nm1069637) showed the world that America still has the hottest babes that the universe has to offer.  

Or we could celebrate our constant victories in the Indian wars. Pay homage to our victory by superior firepower, dress up as the defeated natives to remind ourselves that we beat them, and of course, cook up some huge chunks of meat.  

…Actually, I suppose we already have that one -- it's called "Thanksgiving". And it's just one more piece of proof that America kicks ass.